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“hey, my brain is down here” *points to crotch* zombie starts biting my dick off, I lean down and whisper “owned”

— Duke Longlonger (@dukelongboard) June 16, 2012

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*knocks on door* Mrs Smith? I’m from Army. Your son got owned in Iraq. He showed great valor in the face of epic fail. Semper fi or whatecer

— Jackson (@tree_bro) July 22, 2011