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*bear in scrubs walks into waiting room*”Sorry to be the bear-er of bad news but I’m a bear and your son died cause bears can’t do surgery”

— Joe (@lazy_joe_) May 12, 2013

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*starts jamming entire fist into mouth* is this what you want, twitter? *forces hand in down to wrist, tears in eyes* ifth thf whufyou wunt

— grouper fintendo™ (@grouperfintendo) March 28, 2013

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Last question.Obama what about womens rights?Wo-I got this *Biden steps in* women have titys *puts on shades* I love titys, we love titys

— Pajama BenLaden (@PajamaBenLaden) April 9, 2013

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this is your brain *an egg* this is your brain on drugs *egg in frying pan* this is your brain skateboarding *egg on a skateboard* haha nice

— the dog pissperer (@bro_no_way) November 12, 2012

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“dead space more like dad space” dad gimme back my xbox “more like call of daddy” get out of my room “more like grandfather auto IV” stop

— 808s&Human Sacrifice (@CRIMEGOLEM) January 21, 2013

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being gay is unnatural & wrong [an aide comes next to me & whispers in my ear] ive just been informed that being gay doesnt mean hating dogs

— Stepheñ (@JevenSteakobson)

April 16, 2013

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@vectorbelly Oba-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma

— Ace… Ace? (@AceMakesWords) April 13, 2013

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“Hi folks, I’m Swamp Thing. As you know, I like the environment. But there’s nothing “the environment” about childhood obesity”

— DVS(@DVSblast) July 13, 2011

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“Do you have protection?” *i place my shiny charizard on the nightstand* “no one will be buggin us babe”

— luv 2 have fun (@dong_party) January 26, 2013

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Alas poor Yorick! *holds up skull* *pauses* *holds up another skull & turns it to face the first* …………………. *whispers* now kiss

— Georgene (@Giania) March 14, 2013

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watch tv, quietly saying “THIS fuckin’ guy” every time anyone comes on screen

— Томояяош’s cнıʟD (@dudehugs) March 15, 2012

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first rule of fight club is no fightig. welcom to contradicton club evryone hav a seat adn dont hav a seat. also this isnt contradicton club

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) February 27, 2013

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U BETTER GET THESE SHITS OUTTA MY YARD “those are pinecones man” WELL YR GONNA PINECONES YR PANTS WHEN MY SHIRTLESS SON WHIPS U W/ THIS HOSE

— the creature (@BlackLagooner) February 20, 2013

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[Nuclear Winter] Ah, alone at last [Unzips pants] [Dick falls off] No… That’s not fair… That’s not fair at all! There was time now!

— stefan(@boring_as_heck) February 28, 2013

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WELCOME TO APPLEBEES MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER. DID U SAY “A PLATE OF SPIDERS” TOO LATE HERE IT COMES. U HAVE TO EAT IT ALL OR WE CALL THE COPS

— ben errrrrrrrrrrrrrr (@MuscularSon) May 5, 2011