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Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

— vladchoc (@vladchoc) January 17, 2013

(Source: twitterthecomic)

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We’re here today to witness the union of two special people. The lasers we use to fuse them together are very powerful, so goggles on please

— sharon memes (@chuchugoogoo) October 1, 2012

(Source: twitterthecomic)

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“Look, son! I built a time machine!” Dad, you just put some glow sticks on the minivan. *dad pulls a gun* “Get in the fucking time machine.”

— Big Money Rowlf (@iRowlf) May 10, 2013

(Source: twitterthecomic)

Twitter: The Comic (The Book) will be in book places for getting books Aug 19th. That’s tomorrow!

Thanks to Ashly Burch and Sean Godsey for helping me with the trailer and being the coolest cats around.

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Twitter: The Comic (The Book) is almost here! Over 120 new and classic comics based on the greatest tweets of our generation. You can pre-order it on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Indie Bound, and Chronicle Books.

(Source: twitterthecomic)

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MISSED CONNECTION: It was 1997. We were at the park, playing freeze tag. You froze me then went home. Please come back, I want to live life.

— Cool Eric (@OBiiieeee) February 6, 2013

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*picks up rattlesnake* yo check out this weird spagehti haha *gets bited* OH MY H*CK THIS IS OUCH SPOGETYI

— Chelsea (@WeedCoffin) January 12, 2013

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Tumblr is a computer generated dream world, built in order to change a human being into this *morpheus holds up poorly drawn anime dragon*

— Eiffel 65 - Blue.wav (@ABigBagOfKeys) August 7, 2012

(Source: twitterthecomic)

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Me: Honey, have you seen my favorite turd? wife: yeah it’s in the laundry room, I washed it this morning Me: you WHAT

— andrulius (@Peeglass) April 18, 2014

(Source: twitterthecomic)

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Me in Hell: i *like* this. i enjoy suffering, it rocks atually Satan [exasperated]: this guy is owning me! this guy is owning all of hell!!

— lemons (@respected_loner) December 27, 2013

(Source: twitterthecomic)

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mr owl, how many licks does it take to get to the centre of a tootsie pop? [owls head rotates, begins to spit blood, eyes firing lasers]

— fuckface academy (@apollilaire) June 3, 2012

(Source: twitterthecomic)

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please have a seat. as your doctor I suggest *opens up desk drawer, it’s full of raw hotdogs* um I suggest you *stares at those dogs* ummmmm

— kale fan (@FilthyMacrame) June 4, 2013

(Source: twitterthecomic)

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“You have 3 wishes" *smirking* I wish *genie catches on* *we start belting* YOU’D STEP BACK FROM THAT LEDGE MY FRIEND *we accidentally kiss*

— A Responsible Man (@OBiiieeee) May 16, 2013

(Source: twitterthecomic)

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artjcf:

“guns don’t kill people, guns CREATE people!” *fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*

— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious)

April 9, 2013

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You say you kissed a girl?! Hot crackers, whatta scoop! Now *tips back hat w/ little sign that says “PRESS”* did you learn how they pee

— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) February 7, 2013

(Source: twitterthecomic)